The girl that makes me want to be a gamer

Well, I'm back in school now, so I haven't had much time to post. And I don't really have time now, but to show that I haven't completely forgotten about this blog, I thought I'd make up a quick post. And I thought I'd use this opportunity to introduce you to Felicia Day.

I, somehow, hadn't heard of her - maybe because I'm not a gamer - until I stumbled across an awesome video on YouTube, Do You Wanna Date My Avatar. Check it out, it's pretty good. And she stars as Penny on Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

She also had a role in the final season of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer as the potential slayer Vi.

The woman is funny, she can sing, she can act and girls in glasses really do it for me, it's that symbol of intelligence.

And she's hot.

Coming out to the parents

I have been in such a funk lately, deeply depressed and fighting it every second. Depression isn't new to me, I've suffered through it before, some days feeling it so deeply that I simply lay in bed and cry all day. This time feels different, though, and with the beginning of a new semester looming, I worry how it will affect my school year and how I'll get myself out of it.

This time, the main cause of my hard times is my mother. As I mentioned in my last post, I've been going through some rather stressful times lately the most stressful of which was telling my parents that I'm dating a woman. My dad wasn't at all surprised and is being so supportive, to the point that he said, minutes after I told them about my girlfriend, that he didn't want another son anyway. And he asks about my girlfriend when we talk on the phone. My mother's reaction was more expected and not nearly as supportive.

Don't get me wrong, she wasn't bad about it. She didn't say anything and cried quite a bit, but she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. However, when they left two days later, my mother didn't want to hug me like she usually does and seemed to only do it because I leaned in for it. She kept it short and quickly moved on to my brother.

It's been a touch more than two weeks since I told them and I talked to my dad three nights ago, he put me on speakerphone while I talked him through my university's website and I could hear my mother reiterating what I was saying because he couldn't hear me, but she didn't say a single word to me. Everytime my dad calls me, my mother asks to talk to me. The next night my dad called again and, again, my mother didn't ask to talk to me.

My mother is making it quite clear that she's upset with me and, though we've never had a good relationship, it hurts so badly to be ignored because of this. It helps that my dad is so amazing and couldn't care less and thinks to ask about my girlfriend when he calls. But I can't get over the pain of my mother's rejection.

I've been so horribly depressed for the last couple of weeks, but my girlfriend and friends have definitely helped with their supportiveness. But my girlfriend has been out of town since Friday morning and so I haven't been able to turn to her to talk about what I'm feeling. Which means that it's been building and will continue to build until she's back and I can take comfort in her. It's going to be a horribly long week and I can't wait for it to be over. This is the first time we've been apart for an extended period and, while I think this will ultimately be good for our relationship, I already miss her terribly.

My girlfriend is leaving

I am going through a rather stressful time for many reasons that I don't have the time to divulge right now. One of the reasons, however, is my girlfriend is leaving town for a week and a half and will return just in time for me to start my fall semester at university meaning that my free time will be greatly diminished.

I'll try to explain why this sucks so much. First off, I've never been in a serious relationship before because I've only just realized that I'm gay and as such couldn't convince myself to feel seriously for any of the men I dated. And I was always grateful when they left town because it gave me a much wanted break from them. Second, I've never been in love before. Third, we've never gone more than a couple of days without seeing each other let alone a week and a half. Fourth, I hate not being able to see her over the rare two or three day periods when we just can't get together so how I am supposed to manage a week and a half apart. Fifth, she's been sleeping over at least one night of every weekend lately and I find it odd an uncomfortable when we can't spend the night together on weekends and that has nothing to do with sex because we haven't really had sex. Sixth, we spent the night together on Saturday and had a really good conversation, one of those that just makes you fall deeper and makes the relationship feel stronger and more secure.

I'm going to be in a bad mood from the time she leaves until she gets back and it's going to be horrible. I'm sad just thinking about not seeing her for that long. And, having a degree in psychology and being overly analytical of everything I say, do, and feel, I can't help but wonder if we're (read: I) are getting a little too co-dependent and this break might actually be good for us. Good or not, I'm going to miss her like hell.

Love is definitely the most amazing thing I have ever felt, but you know that old cliche about love being a bitch? It's so true. Love is a bitch, but I'm love's bitch.

How life changes

By the time I was twenty-five, I had begun to think that I would never fall in love, that I was one of those people who just never found someone they actually, truly loved. And it sucked. For as long as I can remember, I was in love with love. I thrived on romance and love stories and witnessing small and habitual, but telling touches between two people. It fascinated and thrilled me and I couldn’t wait to become someone who felt it all first hand. But if never happened. I tried; I dated almost any guy who asked me out, whether I felt and immediate attraction to him or not and even guys with whom I found I had very little in common. And I could never make it last more than a few weeks. In fact, the longest relationship I had ever had was approximately two months long. What a stellar track record. And how ironic that the girl who was head over heels in love with love seemed incapable of experiencing love herself. Well, I have good news, that girl is in love and it is amazing and everything she had expected.

When I was a child, I wanted to experience that all encompassing love that’s always told about in books and I devoured romance novel after romance novel. Of course, as I grew older and came to know myself better, I realized that I didn’t want that at all. What I wanted was a relationship and love based upon equality. I wanted someone who would bend over backwards to make me smile and I wanted to be with someone for whom I would do the same. I wanted someone who made me feel safe and happy and beautiful just by smiling at me or holding my hand. But I was never able to find that with any of the men I had dated. In fact, it was quite the opposite, I couldn’t stand to hold their hand or make out with them or even cuddle. And God forbid they want to spend the night together, even if it was just to sleep.

You would really think that I would have come to the obvious conclusion much sooner, but as much as I tend to analyze myself, I failed to pick up on the clues. I am a smart, open-minded, accepting woman, but, boy, can I be oblivious. You see, the reason that I never fell in love with any of the men I dated, or even wanted to hold their hand, was because I simply couldn’t fall in love with a man, they aren’t what I want. I did, however, fall in love with a woman. It’s an amazing feeling, the rush I get just by being with her and holding her hand while we watch a movie or sit in a bar with our friends. She’s amazing and funny and pretty and thoughtful and kind and everything I’ve ever wanted, but never expected to want.

Realizing that I am gay was a huge surprise to me. I went through a kind of cycle during which I was okay with being into girls, it didn’t bother me, gay rights had always been important to me and the next few days I couldn’t even consider the possibility without crying and just falling apart. I talked to my friends about it and they assured me that I was gay and they’d be there for me when I was ready to accept and admit it. My brother teased me, but reassured me that it was okay and he’d be there when I was ready to admit it. But I still couldn’t believe that I had failed to acknowledge such an integrate part of myself or, for that matter, suspect that it even existed. I had simply had no clue.

Now, that was all over a year ago. I still have days when I cry over the fact that I’m gay. All of my friends completely accept my lifestyle, my brother couldn’t care less and I’ve recently told my parents. My dad told me that he wasn’t surprised, that there had been hints for years, and he hugged me and told me that he only wanted me to be happy; my mom’s reaction wasn’t quite as amazing, but definitely more expected: she’s been upset and has barely spoken to me since I told them. Which certainly doesn’t make things easy for me. What does make things easier is my girlfriend. She’s amazing, such a great support to me and I love her. I haven’t told her that, yet, we’ve only been together for four months, but it’s on the tip of my tongue everytime I’m with her, especially when we’re doing something simple, like taking a late night walk and joking around, sneaking kisses and touching hands or when I see her joking around with my friends or my brother.

Things have certainly changed a lot in the last year and my life may never be as easy as it could have been if I had met Mr. Right instead of Ms. Right, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I would never change anything in my life in case it should change that.

The woes of moving

I never realize how many books I own until I move and have to pack them. It's nuts!

So guess how I'm spending my Thursday afternoon. Packing! I'm moving to a new apartment next week, so I've spent the last couple of hours packing and drinking beer (the latter is much more fun than the former) and I will continue to do both for the next few hours. I lead a very exciting life.

I can't wait for the day that I finally own my own place and don't have to move. It'll be grand. I'll be able to do whatever I want to it and in it and I won't have to worry about moving unless I move to a different town. As it stands, I have no idea how long we'll stay at the apartment we're moving to because I'm not sure if it's a yearly lease or month by month and if it is month by month, I have a feeling they'll be upping our rent before too long since they tried to do it already. Aw, how I love landlords. But I am looking forward to being back in an apartment rather than the house we're currently in. I think it'll will lessen the stress and headaches that come with living with roommates.

Anyway, back to boxing up the books.

Hotness of the Week: Jessica Landstrom

I'm supposed to be cleaning my house right now to get ready to move, but since that's not the least bit of fun, I figured I'd write up a post instead. This is a very fun post to write because it's a topic everyone can appreciate and that topic is a hot girl. Now, this girl is one of many reasons why soccer is such a fantastic sport.

So, let me introduce Jessica Landstrom.

If you've read pretty much any lesbian blog, then you've seen that picture and know what I'm talking about. The woman is extremely attractive and is openly gay and in a relationship. All sorts of awesome all around. The following are a few more examples of her awesomeness.

Any my personal favorite because I like a girl with style, especially sporty style:

So, who's up for watching a soccer match?

Yes, I get green with jealousy

Wow, it's been almost a month since my last post. Craziness. What can I say? I've been busy nursing my Bones addiction (Emily Deschanel as Temperance Brennan is simply hot), working, getting ready to move, and trying to figure out where I stand with the girl I'm seeing - is she my girlfriend, officially, or are we still just 'hanging out'? Girls are awesome, but so confusing.

So, I am moving one week from today. I have yet to start packing, that'll likely start tonight after I get home from spending the afternoon with my lady friend. My roommates seem to be quietly refusing to help clean the house, so I'll just keep a portion of their security deposit as cleaning fees.

I have had an interesting week. This past week was gay pride week where I am and it was my first gay pride. I've been working quite a lot this week, so, unfortunately, I didn't get a chance to get out to many of the events, but I didn't make it to the parade and the downtown festivities last Saturday. I also went to a drag show on Friday with a couple of friends and my lady friend and it was a rather enlightening time, in a personal sense.

I am a minorly jealous person, but I'm not a dramatic person, so most of the time, others don't even know that I'm being eaten alive with jealousy. I don't act out, I simply become quiet and withdrawn, sometimes a little sad. I knew this about myself before, I'd get jealous when my boyfriends would talk to other girls. But I had kind of been hoping that it would be different when I started dating girls. I had hoped the jealousy was some sort of manifestation of my feelings of otherness and wrongness when I was dating guys because I never wanted to be in the relationship, in fact, as soon as it started to look like a relationship, I'd be overwhelmed with the urge to run as far and fast as I could. I haven't felt that way since I started seeing my lady friend, quite the opposite, I just want to spend more and more time with her. So I hoped that maybe my jealousy was another subconscious way of sabotaging the relationship.

However, it seems that I was wrong. I am simply a jealous person. A jealous person with a degree in psychology so I was able to spend some of my time on Friday analyzing myself to find out just why I was jealous and, surprise surprise, it's all about low self-esteem at the moment. You see, a year and a half ago I was in shape and had a nice body, but then I went through what I call my year of injuries, during which I spent a week and a half on bed rest, numerous months unable to do anything laborious because of a back problem, broke my elbow, and coped with a badly damaged shoulder, all things which kept me from doing the activities I love. Because of these injuries and resulting sedentariness, I put on quite a bit of weight, leading to bad body image and low self-esteem. My lady friend is insanely active and fit.

So, we're sitting at our table at the drag show, my lady friend isn't there yet and this woman who was ditched by her friends is sitting at the end of the table. Being the friendly person that I am, I start chatting with her and draw her in so she can join in our good time. My lady friend is way more outgoing and chatty than I am, so I know that when she gets there, she'll welcome our new friend as well, and we'll all have a good time. What I didn't count on was our new friend taking an interest in my lady friend and my lady friend spending a fair chunk of the time before the show chatting with our new friend. I can see that our new friend is interested and I mean, why wouldn't she be, my lady friend is chatty and fun and funny and outgoing. Now, I don't think my lady friend is interested, she's definitely not the type of person to be out with one person and spend the night talking and flirting with another. But I was horribly jealous anyway and I knew it had everything to do with me and little to do with my lady friend or her behaviour. Of course, it didn't help matters any when they exchanged phone numbers at the end of the night.

I know I don't have anything to worry about because I am well aware that my lady friend and I have something great going for us. I'm not worried that she's going to get bored and call up her new friend for a date. It's wonderful to be that secure in the relationship, now I just have to work on becoming that secure about myself again. Which makes me doubly excited that the new building I'm moving to has a fitness center on the main floor. Because, frankly, when I'm in shape, I'm a bit of a hottie.

Anyway, I will post again soon. I've been writing down ideas to blog about, so I have a list to work through. It will hopefully be interesting.

I'm out

Wow, what a week I've had. So, it's been just over a week since my last post and, man, a lot has happened. I'll start at the beginning.

So, last Thursday, I went to a concert with a friend. Well, I thought we were just friends. The concert was great, it was in a church and there was a rummage sale in the basement where we laughed about choose your own adventure books. Good times were had. I had given her a ride, so, of course, I drove her home afterwards. So, we pull up in front of her building and we're sitting in my car talking about family and stuff, getting to know each other. It's kind of late, so she says she has to go. She's halfway out of the car, says :Actually, you know what," as I'm saying "What," she's turning around and suddenly she's kissing me! Wow! I did not see that coming. I mean, I did, eventually, but not then. She completely took me by surprise, which I kind of enjoy. I love people who can surprise me.

Anyway, we hung out both Saturday and Sunday night for a couple of hours each night, but haven't seen each other since then mainly because I've been sick and had to cancel on her. However, we're hanging out tomorrow, just the two of us. I'm anxious to see what happens.

That was pretty exciting in itself, but that's not all that has happened this week. I was in an insanely good mood at work on Friday. We're talking, whistling, can't stop smiling, customers can't bring me down kind of mood. It was weird, but in a great way. Everyone was asking what was going on, why was I in such a good mood. And I was kind of bursting to tell someone. So, I told a coworker/friend, after much questioning, that I would tell her what happened, but I wouldn't give any details. She agreed to that, so I told her someone had kissed me the night before. It wasn't what she expected, but she got to surprise me even more when she asked "So, was it a guy or a girl?" I blushed quite badly, laughed, and hurried back to work. That, of course, answered her question straight away. So, I unintentionally came out to her.

On Saturday night, I came out to my big brother. He was drunk, I was mostly sober, just enough alcohol to give me the courage to actually do it. He sometimes gets pretty depressed when he's been drinking and that's what happened Saturday night. He was pretty upset and, to take his mind off of it, I told him I was "kind of seeing someone" and told him who. He laughed, said he'd thought so for a couple of weeks already. I assured him that it didn't mean I would check out girls with him to which he replied "Yeah, you are; that's the best part of having a gay sister." Thanks, big brother. Then he told me he'd always be there for me in whatever capacity I needed and that I didn't have to worry about telling my family because it would never change their opinion of me. He's a pretty great brother, I think I'll keep him around a while.

Then there was Sunday. A close friend of mine was away for two weeks =, while she was away, another friend of mine texted her, telling her that I was going to confirm something when she got back. So, she came back, we went to brunch and before our food was served, she said "So what were you going to tell me?" I'm a shy person by nature, I blush very easily and can be quite bashful and modest. It was full-on at that moment. I'm talking red face, fidgeting, stuttering, staring at the floor and toeing the ground shy/embarrassed. It took me a good couple of minutes to finally force out "I'm a bit more into girls than guys." I'm 26, not 14 and that's the best I can come up with. I knew the conversation was coming, but I'd been hoping there would be booze present. After I told her, she asked if I was attracted only to girls and I answered as best I could, basically saying I wasn't sure one way or the other and then we continued off into regular conversation, complaining about work and catching up.

So, in the last week, I have been kissed by a girl and I have told three people that I'm gay. It was the most eventful May long weekend I've had in a couple of years. No wonder I've been sick all week, what with that stress.

Why You Should be Watching: Grey's Anatomy

If you haven't been watching season five of Grey's Anatomy, here's a couple of reasons that you should be.

First, there's Dr. Arizona Robbins played by Jessica Capshaw.

If she isn't reason enough to tune in - and, seriously? Come on, she's cute - there's Dr. Calliope Torres played by Sara (pronounced Sada like Prada) Ramirez.

Still not enough? Something is seriously wrong with you people! A hot blonde and a hot brunette, how much better can it get? Well, you could always put the two together.

Now, go, watch. Because that is just the beginning and you never know what hotness you're missing.

Tennis is so much fun. I spent an hour and a half playing with a friend today and it was all sorts of awesome. It was probably made even more fun by the fact that we absolutely suck at it. Though I do get a little frustrated by people who just aren't that into it. I want to actually play, but, while she enjoyed it, there was definitely very little rushing for the ball on her side. But it was still lots of fun and we're going to make it a weekly thing, but I'm thinking if I ever want a real game, then I'm going to have to go with someone else.

I'm really looking forward to this summer. And not just for tennis. I am planning to have a very active summer so that I can lose all the weight I gained during my year of injuries. An active summer combined with the rather limited local diet I have put myself on should have me pretty healthy and fit by the time I go back to school in the fall. Especially if I spend the summer working in landscaping as I plan to.

It's going to feel so great to be myself again. I can't wait!

Yes, I'm a HOMO

I stole the title for this post from the blog Sweat City which, until recently, was written by model Jessica Clark and her fiance Lacey Stone. I've decided that when I officially come out - after I've told my family and closest friends - that I'm going to put 'Yes, I'm a HOMO' as my status on facebook. Just for the fun of it. And for the reactions, of course. It should be fun.

Anyway, since I've started blogging a bit on my own, I've also started reading other people's blogs, mostly lesbians. Sweat City is pretty good and the namesake of this post can be found here. Another good one is For The Roses, which I just started reading today, but quite enjoy so far.

Obsession of the week

Well, aside from hot girls. Anyway, my obsession  these days is John Legend's song Everybody Knows. It's fantastic; I can't stop listening to this song.

The Soloist

I went with a friend to see The Soloist last night. It is a fantastic movie and definitely worth seeing. The acting is amazing and the writing marvelous. It is a truly powerful movie.

What the heart wants

Wouldn't it be nice if love was a matter of choice? Don't you think it would be awesome if you could have just a little say in who you fell in love with? If you think you do, you're an idiot. Yeah, we decide how we act on our feelings, but let's be honest with ourselves, we are ALL love's bitch. You can try to deny it, but I won't believe you.

I'm well aware that I'm love's bitch and I accept it. If I didn't, I'd be a little insane at this point. See, my treacherous heart has decided to become enamored with a girl I work with. I refer to her as a girl because she is ten years younger than me. Ack!! Well, technically she's a little less than ten years younger since she'll be seventeen this year. But still, she's jailbait. And I'm nuts over her.

Aside from the whole age issue, I definitely have good taste. She's funny, smart, active, sweet, thoughtful, kind, intellectual, and beautiful. She is one of the best and sweetest people I have ever met. And I can't stop myself from looking forward to the guaranteed one shift a week that I work with her. The fact that we have a lot in common (ie. similar sense of humour, taste in music, movies, and literature) and have an easy time conversing really doesn't help me out.

The one saving grace is that, while I feel like a creeper, no one else things I'm a creeper because no one at work actually knows that I'm gay. So, though they all know I think very highly of the girl, they don't know that I'm unbearably attracted to her and that the mere idea of working with her and being able to make her smile brightens my day.

The irony of the whole situation: I've never been in love and the first person that I actually start to fall for - illegal! Man, oh man.

I think I messed up

So, I've been hanging out with this girl, we'll call her M, over the last month or so as we get along amazingly, we have so much in common it's a constant surprise to me. At first, I wasn't really interested in anything more than friendship, but the more I hang out with her, the more she reels me in. So, it was a kind of friend's birthday on the weekend and that same night, I had plans to go to a play with M. Since the bar my friend's birthday bash was at was really close to where the play was showing and because I wanted to spend some more time with her, I invited M to join us and she did. Fun was had. We went to the play and then called it an early night because I have finals to study for.

But one of my friends, we'll call her K, sent me a text message saying she was going to the bar for our friend's birthday and wondered if I was coming. Since I had been bugging this friend early that day that we'd never had a drink together, I couldn't say I wasn't going to come out. So I texted M and invited her back to the bar. She joined us again. Yay!

So K and I work together and we have a great time together, always joking around and teasing each other. And we can be pretty hands on sometimes, you know, hugs, arm around the shoulders, just goofing around. Apparently more so when we're drinking. Now, I can be a very touchy friend, just little touches on the back/shoulder/arm. But only once I'm comfortable with a person and sure that they won't mind. I've only known M for a couple of months and things are definitely on a different level, so I have been careful not to be too hands on so far. Meaning, she doesn't know that I'm normally like that.

So, we're all at the bar and having a good time. I introduce M around, no one knows she's gay and no one knows that I think I am. So they guys are talking to M and I'm thinking 'ah, you poor bastards' and I'm just having a good time and joking with my friends. K is hugging me quite a bit and touching and I'm not really thinking anything of it. Some of the guys are hugging me a bit too, no big deal. At one point, K hugs me so enthusiastically that I lose my balance and nearly spill my drink.

I'm trying to hang around M because even though she fits right in and seems to be having a great time, she's never met these people before and is there because I invited her. But I did spend a fair bit of time talking to the girls while she was talking with the guys.

The part where I think I messed up is that now, with a clear head, I'm wondering if I gave her the impression that I'm into K. Which I'm not, we're friends and K is straight (supposedly) and I'm not interested in her. Or any of the guys that were there. And I feel guilty and horrible because how bad would it be to invite someone out and then make it clear - in their mind at any rate - that you were into someone else?

Why are things so complicated? I really hope it's just my over-thinking that's making it so complicated. And I did leave with her. All the other girls, including K, left before us and we left together. That's got to show for something.

Ugh, we'll see how things go.

Oh, and I have a rescheduled breakfast date with that guy I met in a coffeeshop since last week didn't work out and I still don't want to go, but feel like I really should. I really miss that days when life was simpler and I just had to listen to what my parents told me.

Sway

A little something I wrote while putting off studying for finals.

Sway

I felt like the air had been sucked from my body, leaving me unable to breath.

“What,” I gasped.

Madison, on the other hand, had no trouble breathing as she drew in a deep breath, her gaze fixed on me. “I’m sorry, Ceili.”

My mind had fixated on one thought and it ran in a loop: she can’t be breaking up with me. But it seemed that she was, in fact, ending things and I was clueless as to why.

I couldn’t bear to look at her any longer and tore my gaze from hers, my eyes flitting around the room, searching for some source of comfort. “I, uh, I don’t understand. I mean, things were – are great, we haven’t been fighting, haven’t had problems. Where is this coming from? Why are you doing this?”

I didn’t say to me but she flinched anyway and I felt a small victory in making her show some sort of feeling.

Her hands fidgeted in her lap and I wondered if she was fighting an urge to reach out to me, to touch me in some way. One of the things I’ve loved about her from the start is that she’s very hands on with the people she cares about, she’s always touching people, just little moments of contact: a hand on my arm, a gentle tug on the tips of my hair, a hand lightly smoothing down my back. It’s natural for her to touch another and I wonder how much it’s costing her to not reach out and offer me that comfort… give me that hope.

“We have been having problems, you just haven’t seen them and that’s part of the problem. You don’t see me anymore, Ceili, you haven’t for months.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy with –“

“Work,” she finishes with a touch of fire. “You’re always so busy with work that it’s become your life and there’s no place for me.”

I shift to face her on the couch and reach out to grasp her hands. Taken by surprise, she looks down at our hands clasped in her lap and I see her resolve falter. “There is a place for you, always. You know that, Maddy. You have the main place in my life.”

She untangles her hands from mine, but before she can push my hands from her leg, I feel a drop on my skin and realize that she is struggling not to cry. I hate myself just a bit for making this harder for her even though I really don’t want it to be easy. She would’ve known when she decided to break up with me that I would never let her go without a fight. Whether we’ve been having problems or not, Madison knows how much she means to me; there’s no way she couldn’t.

She’s shaking her head when I turn my attention back to her. “You think that’s true, C, but it hasn’t been for a long time now.” She’s looking at me now and, for the first time, I see the pain and sadness in her eyes. “Do you know, the other day I tried to remember the last time you even asked me how my day was and I couldn’t remember.”

“Oh, come on, Maddy, that’s nothing to get so upset about. If it were something bigger, I could understand you being mad, but that’s so small.”

She nods. “You’re right, it is small. And you do all the big things; you hug me when I’m upset and you hold my hand when we’re walking down the street and you kiss me before bed. But it’s all mechanical, it’s habit, not something you think about.”

“So what? There’s nothing wrong with doing something out of habit. I’ve been doing those things for years, of course I’m not going to stop doing them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with those habits, but they aren’t what counts.”

I feel my frustration boiling inside of me and I want to get up and walk away from this conversation, but I know if I do that, it would probably be the last conversation we have.

“They do count,” I argue. “Kissing you and holding you and being with you count, it all counts.”

“And they’re all things I would expect from someone I’d been with for a couple of weeks, but I want more from you, Ceili,” she returns heatedly. “You used to ask me about my day and leave me little notes in the morning when you were up before me and call me on your lunch break everyday just to talk about nothing. You used to leave a bag of my favorite candies in my bag so I’d find them when I wanted something sweet.”

“Madison –“

“Do you know the last time I had one of those candies” she demanded and I slowly shook my head because I couldn’t remember the last time I had done that for her. “It’s been almost a year, Ceili. I wouldn’t buy them myself because I kept hoping that I’d find some from you in my bag.”

“I’m sorry, Maddy. I didn’t think about it,” I admitted, feeling unreasonably upset that I hadn’t thought to buy her sweets or ask about her day.

“That’s the point.” Her voice was ragged, jerking my gaze to her face and I was shocked to find her cheeks wet with tears. “That’s the point, C, you don’t think about me anymore.”

“Madison,” I started sadly, reaching out for her. But this time she drew back, away from my outstretched hand. “Please, honey.”

She was shaking her head. “You think the little things don’t make a difference, but they’re the most important. I used to smile ever time I found those candies in my bag because I knew you had been at work or out with friends and you had been thinking of me. Those little things that you don’t think are important showed me that even when we weren’t together, you were thinking of me. And that made me feel so special and loved.”

“I love you, Maddy,” I tell her softly, knowing it’s too little and too long needed.

She sobs but still doesn’t turn to me for comfort. “You love me, but because it’s what you’re used to, it’s habit. You’re not in love with me anymore.”

I want to argue, but I can’t. So I silently watch as she wipes at her nose and brushes the tears from her cheeks. And I don’t reach for her when she rises from the couch and collects her jacket and her bag. I don’t do or say anything until she’s standing at the door with her hand on the handle.

“Please, Maddy, don’t leave me.”

I hear her sob and see it shake her body, but she doesn’t turn back and she doesn’t look at me. She leans her head against the wall beside the door. “I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay. I am so in love with you that I almost don’t care that you don’t love me the same, but if I stay knowing that you never will feel the same, it will kill me.”

The door creaks as it opens.

“Madison,” the word stuck in my throat and I’m sure she didn’t hear.

“Goodbye, C.”

The door closes gently behind her and she’s gone, leaving our home feeling empty and dark without her.

Date

So, that guy I met in the coffee shop? Well, I'm going out with him this week. We're supposed to meet for breakfast at the same coffee shop tomorrow, but I have a final on Thursday that I'm no where near ready for, so I'm going to have to reschedule breakfast to post-final.

I don't really want to go on the date, but I feel like I owe it to my friends to give hetero-dating one more shot before I call it quits. But, seriously, I'm not even attracted to the guy. And, so far, he's everything I would want in a partner: smart, bilingual, successful, musician, educated, active, loves travelling. But he just doesn't do it for me. Still, I'll go out with him and give it a try. Besides, life would be so much easier if I could just find a man that I could be happy with, I just don't see that happening any time soon. Especially since I'm falling deeper for that girl at work.

And tonight I'm going to a play with a gay girl I've been talking to and hanging out with quite a bit for about a month now. I'm in love with her personality.

Sunshine Cleaning

Just saw this movie on the weekend and it's stellar. Definitely a must see.

Oh the difficulties

Apparently being gay is a huge turn on for people of the opposite sex. Maybe it's the confidence that comes from coming to terms with my in-the-gray sexual orientation that attracts people. I have been given phone numbers by two men in the last month and I think one other is interested and working up the nerve to do something. Of course, none of them know that I'm not loving the penis. Apparently I have to redo the cockhater stamp on my forehead.

I know, I know. Here I am complaining about having men come onto me when so many people would love for that to happen. Trust me, it's just as bad getting what you're not asking for as it is not getting what you are asking for. I kind of wish that I could announce to the world that I just want to be left alone until I have this thing figured out. Of course, dating a woman would definitely help to figure it out.... and could be kind of fun, especially for the shock value when I tell my friends. Oh, fun!

Argh!

Don't you just hate that you can't control your feelings? I mean, you can control how you act, but you can never control how you feel. And that's been driving me absolutely nuts for the last couple of months. See, there's this girl at work and she's funny and smart and absolutely beautiful and we get along so well. She's also considerably younger than me and straight... with a boyfriend. I am nuts for this girl, like, seriously, just throw me in a straight jacket and ship me off.

Yeah, yeah, love is supposed to wonderful and amazing and age is only a number. Well, that's bullshit. I kind of hate that I'm crazy for her, except I don't because it feels so good. And I am a flirt, I'm sure if any of the people that I work with knew that I was into girls, they'd all know, on sight, that I'm into her.

I'm one of those people who flirts subconsciously. So subconsciously that I have no idea that I'm doing until someone points it out to me or the person I'm flirting with gives me a weird look. And apparently I'm not entirely aware of what others constitute as flirting since, about a month ago, a guy asked me out because he assumed my friendly, casual conversation was flirting. Somehow, how's it going translates to I want your phone number so we can have wild, no strings sex this weekend. I have no idea how that happened.

So anyway, this girl is just great and I find myself going out of my way to do things for her and joke with her and touch her and just... argh! I'm even teaching her how to drive a standard. She doesn't own a car let alone a standard! She will have no use for this skill in the near future! And yet I offered up my car and my Friday nights after work to teach her. And tonight I've talked her into coming to a house party that a girl we work with is hosting. I don't know what I'm doing. I could just as easily have asked the girl I think is actually into me and who I know is gay, but no, I'm obsessed with this too young girl from work.

I need help. Maybe shock treatment will work.

Finals

I hate tests. 

That's all.

Because it made me laugh a bit

"In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman." 
—Nancy Astor 
(British Politician)

What's going on

So here's my thing. I'm 26, I have been dating for almost ten years and I've always dated men. Granted, the relationships never lasted very long, the longest just barely making the two month mark and I was never invested in the relationship, but I always assumed that I was with the wrong guy and eventually the right one would come along and I'd actually care about the relationship. That hasn't happened. Instead, my brother caused me to start questioning my sexual orientation. He did this simply by teasing me about being a woman studying forestry. Clearly, I'm a lesbian.

If only it was that simple.

I don't know if I'm gay, but I do know that I'm not straight. My sexuality remains somewhere in the grey areas, at least for now. I have no idea if it's just a transitional phase or if I'm bisexual to a degree. What I do know is that I am attracted to women, find men attractive, but have no desire to have sex with men. I haven't yet dated a woman nor have I had sex with one, so I don't know if I'll actually enjoy being with a woman, but I really think I will, aside from all that fun judgement and discrimination from society. But I live in Canada, so it won't be all that bad.

I've met a girl. We met online and we've since hung out a couple of times. She's gay, but not out. I have no idea where that's leading. We have a great time together and we have so much in common it's always a little surprising. But I don't really feel a physical attraction to her. Which might be mostly to do with me, since I've put on weight and don't feel terribly attractive at the moment and so don't expect others to find me attractive and, therefore, subconsciously suppress any attraction I feel towards others.

And, yes, I do have a degree in psychology. I analyse, deal with it.

Quote of the week

“I had a gay kid say to me the other day, 'Men and women on death row can marry people on the outside. They're allowed to get married. And gays want the same rights as people on death row.' I thought that was pretty good thinking … It's just an interesting thing that gays don't have the same rights as people on death row.” 
— Bisexual gossip columnist Liz Smith during a joint blog post with actress Candice Bergen and newswoman Lesley Stahl on their website,wowowow.com

If you get the name of this blog, we'll get along well

Hi to anyone who is actually reading this. And I'm sorry. This is entirely new to me, so if it's boring or incoherent or rambling, forgive me. And I do tend to ramble.

I won't tell you a lot about myself in this post, if you want to know about me you can read my profile at the side or keep reading the blog to get to know me.

I will tell you the reason behind this blog, though. I am a confused young woman and so I am simply looking for a way to get my thoughts and feelings out in the open without the scariness of sharing them with people I actually know. I'm also hoping for a bit of advice and understanding from people who are going through or have gone through the things that I am going through.

You'll also have to endure some of my rants and random thoughts. I promise this will be the only boring post. My best friend regularly tells me my life is like a sitcom. Sometimes a really awkward sitcom.

Anyway, I'm out of here for now. I'll be back with a real post soon.