It's amazing what you can learn when you're honest with yourself

I'm going through one of my darker moments tonight. It took me completely by surprise since I had a wonderful day, spent the afternoon with that girl I'm crazy about, went to an actual haunted house that was decorated as Halloween haunted house. It was a fun day until about an hour ago.

For the last few years, I have these moments where I start off feeling depressed and that turns into either anger or numbness both of which result in restlessness and I just need to do something but nothing I do eases the restlessness. And that feeling of impotence, I guess, not being able to do what I need to do, leads back to depression. It's all just a horrible cycle.

Tonight is one of those nights. But tonight, when I got to feeling restlessness, I went for a walk. It was after dark, I walked through the sketchy area of downtown, cut through some alleys, basically put myself in some potentially dangerous - but not too dangerous - situations. And I didn't feel anything, no fear, just 'who gives a fuck' numbness. As I was doing this, my mind couldn't help but wander to the possible dangers, like being attacked, being rape, being harassed. And I was slightly stunned to realize that I would almost welcome a dangerous situation because it would make me feel alive; it would give me a rush.

I spent the last hour walking around trying to think of something that would cure this deep feeling of restlessness and the only things I could think of where life endangering. And, because I'm big on finding the bigger meaning behind things, I focused on that longing for a rush, something that would wake me up and make me feel alive.

I'm pursuing a degree in addictions counselling, so right now, my life is all about addictions. I long ago accepted that I have an addictive personality, by which I mean that I could easily become addicted to tobacco or alcohol if I wasn't careful and didn't monitor myself. But I never once thought that I would ever take a chance with any of the more 'hardcore' drugs. And I still don't think I will. But tonight I realized that I am one experiment away from having a dangerous addiction. On nights like tonight, I know that the initial rush of drug-use would draw me into her loving arms and fight like a bitch to keep me there and I would willingly return again and again.

Luckily for me, I don't know any drug users, so I don't have easy access to drugs nor do I know anyone who would introduce me to drugs. While my willpower is strong, I think my need to feel is stronger and it would only be a matter of time before I gave in.

And realizing that, I started to brainstorm other ways to feel a rush, to get my adrenaline up, something legal. Something amazing. Something that has the potential to put my life in danger but that wouldn't destroy my life or myself, unlike drugs. I came up with mountain biking, snowboarding/skiing, racecar driving (a little unrealistic), riding a motorbike, skydiving, and base jumping. I think the most realistic and satisfying would be mountain biking and snowboarding/skiing. Of course, that's where it starts and then you need a bigger thrill, something new and exciting and more dangerous. But I need to try something before I do something stupid.

Any suggestions?

Life happens

In this, my second post since I kicked cancer's ass, I am not going to talk about cancer or how I made it my bitch. Instead, I'm am going to talk about how love has made me her bitch. Again.

So, I was scrolling through my old posts because I'm bored and just killing time until I can go hop in the pool for my laps and I came across a posting about this girl that I used to work with before I left that job and that city and who I was completely crazy about, but never, ever did anything about that because she was only seventeen (I believe she's 18 now and definitely legal - still not going there). And I can now say that, while I was very attracted to her and quite enjoyed spending time with her, I was NOT in love with her - Thank God! That made me feel like a dirty, old perv... maybe not old, I am only 27, afterall. The reason I know that I was never in love with her is because I now find myself feeling something much more powerful and moving than what I ever felt around her.

As I said, I've moved cities. Relocated because I desperately needed a change after dealing with a break-in at my house - while I was home! - and, not even a year later, cancer. I needed to start new, get my life back on track, and rediscover myself, so to speak, also, I'm starting a degree that is only offered in this city. And it worked amazingly well, I feel fantastic, much happier and definitely more like myself. Of course, the hard part is that I miss everyone that I left behind. The upside of cancer, I get to go back several times a year for checkups and, thus, get to see everyone again. Yay!

Anyway, I moved to a city that I have lived in before, so not so scary and new, but where I no longer knew anyone. And it's ultraconservative and religious, so yay for being gay here. So, not wanting to be friendless/single for the entirety of my time here, I started to browse an internet dating site. Not my favorite way to meet people, but whatevs. It worked. I met this amazing woman with whom I have so much in common. I mean, we have the same taste in movies and music (extremely rare for me), we enjoy the same past times, we're passionate about the same things, we have a great time together. Everything is fantastic on paper. But she is very confusing. We'd go out one night and I'd be sure she was interested in me and that we'd end up dating, the next time we'd go out, she'd be a little distant and I was sure we were just friends. Mixed signals all over the place. Drove me crazy! And I loved it. Also, she's beautiful.

After two months of knowing each other, four weeks of that with no contact because we just weren't in town at the same time, we went out with a couple of her friends one Saturday night. It started off just drinking at her place, but they wanted to go dancing, not my scene, but not going to say to going out with her. So we go to this club, I'm not a big dancer, not comfortable looking like I'm having a seizure on the dance floor. But she asked and I didn't need even a second to consider my answer. Anyway, at one point we end up dancing in a group and this guy is creeping on us and I mean CREEPING. We're all trying to ignore him, he's watching the girls dance (explanation: there are four lesbians definitely pairing off and focusing on their partner), we're moving away. So, my dance partner turns her back to me, presses against my front, brings my hands to her hips and puts one of her hands on my thigh and we dance like that. That's a sign! We had hugged twice before that and that was the extent of our contact. Suddenly, we're dancing all pressed together, there's handholding going on through the night, she, at one point, rubbed my thigh while we were sitting. This is a huge change, like zero to sixty in no time. I'm thinking 'Yes! She likes me.' Before the end of the night, she's grown quiet and distant and I'm more confused than ever. The next two times I see her, things have definitely changed, she's careful to keep her distance and there's zero touching. More confused.

So, the third time we see each other (and all four of these nights are within the same week), we're watching The Holiday, a romantic movie that I usually quite enjoy. This time, I'm so confused and the damn movie is making me so depressed, that at the end of the night, I finally just asked what was going on between us. She informs me that she's wants to be friends, but it took her a long time to reach that conclusion. I totally play it cool (read: awkward) and say I thought as much.

This was two weeks ago, we've seen each other since. I mean, I don't particularly want to be in the friendzone, but it's better than nothing. I'm totally hung up on her, so anything is better than the alternative. And I've been thinking about that night in the bar and I feel like I may have an idea of what put her off. See, I don't have cable, therefore, I don't watch TV. When I'm in a place that has TV, I tend to get caught up in it if there's something worth getting caught up in. It just so happens that on the night that we were in the bar, Larry King was on the TV above the bar, right where I could see while we were on the dance floor (of course, I wasn't watching it when she was all pressed up against me. Did not have the brain power to do much, let alone notice what was on TV). That night, Larry was talking about gay marriage in the states (Prop. 8 had just been declared unconstitutional) and I was trying to read the little info boxes at the bottom of the screen to see what was going on. I believe that my lady friend thinks I may have been checking out other women. Not a good message to send! And so not the way I am. Christ, I'm so hooked on this woman that I can't even watch romantic comedies because they make me depressed because I can't have her. Not to mention, the thigh touching had me turned on for DAYS afterward. When someone has that kind of affect on me, I do not need to be looking elsewhere! I've been put in the friendzone and I still don't want to look elsewhere.

I know, I know, you're all like 'Jeez, get over it.' But I can't. I have never met anyone who affected me so much. I'm 27 and for the first time in my life, I've met someone who I can actually imagine a future with and quite easily at that. I've always had trouble imagining the next date with someone I was seeing, but with her, I can imagine what she'll look like in a wedding dress and how amazing building our lives together and living together would be and how great she'd be with kids. I feel like she's The One (capitals necessary) and the thought that I'm never going to have her kills me; I could actually cry every time I think about it. I want to know what made her decide that we should just be friends and I want to change that, I want her to want me as much as I want her. And it'll kill me to see her with someone else when she meets someone, because this is not a girl people are going to ignore.

So, if you have constructive advice, please, share! I'm head over heels for this woman and I just want her to give me a chance. Ugh, I am so love's bitch.

Im back... again!

So, after a bit of a hiatus, I'm back. Again. Cancer has a crazy way of interfering with life and preventing you from doing the things you enjoy. But I'm healthy now and so I hope to stay back this time.

I will do a real post this week, I don't have the time now as I'm running around getting ready for school tomorrow (YAY). Things have happened in my life, cancer being only one of them. My life has changed vastly in the last year and I will bring you up to date as soon as I can. And then you can read while I moan about the little things. Sounds fun, doesn't it? Okay, okay, I'll try to keep the moaning to a minimum.

Anyway, later!

The girl that makes me want to be a gamer

Well, I'm back in school now, so I haven't had much time to post. And I don't really have time now, but to show that I haven't completely forgotten about this blog, I thought I'd make up a quick post. And I thought I'd use this opportunity to introduce you to Felicia Day.

I, somehow, hadn't heard of her - maybe because I'm not a gamer - until I stumbled across an awesome video on YouTube, Do You Wanna Date My Avatar. Check it out, it's pretty good. And she stars as Penny on Dr. Horrible's Sing-Along Blog.

She also had a role in the final season of Buffy: The Vampire Slayer as the potential slayer Vi.

The woman is funny, she can sing, she can act and girls in glasses really do it for me, it's that symbol of intelligence.

And she's hot.

Coming out to the parents

I have been in such a funk lately, deeply depressed and fighting it every second. Depression isn't new to me, I've suffered through it before, some days feeling it so deeply that I simply lay in bed and cry all day. This time feels different, though, and with the beginning of a new semester looming, I worry how it will affect my school year and how I'll get myself out of it.

This time, the main cause of my hard times is my mother. As I mentioned in my last post, I've been going through some rather stressful times lately the most stressful of which was telling my parents that I'm dating a woman. My dad wasn't at all surprised and is being so supportive, to the point that he said, minutes after I told them about my girlfriend, that he didn't want another son anyway. And he asks about my girlfriend when we talk on the phone. My mother's reaction was more expected and not nearly as supportive.

Don't get me wrong, she wasn't bad about it. She didn't say anything and cried quite a bit, but she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. However, when they left two days later, my mother didn't want to hug me like she usually does and seemed to only do it because I leaned in for it. She kept it short and quickly moved on to my brother.

It's been a touch more than two weeks since I told them and I talked to my dad three nights ago, he put me on speakerphone while I talked him through my university's website and I could hear my mother reiterating what I was saying because he couldn't hear me, but she didn't say a single word to me. Everytime my dad calls me, my mother asks to talk to me. The next night my dad called again and, again, my mother didn't ask to talk to me.

My mother is making it quite clear that she's upset with me and, though we've never had a good relationship, it hurts so badly to be ignored because of this. It helps that my dad is so amazing and couldn't care less and thinks to ask about my girlfriend when he calls. But I can't get over the pain of my mother's rejection.

I've been so horribly depressed for the last couple of weeks, but my girlfriend and friends have definitely helped with their supportiveness. But my girlfriend has been out of town since Friday morning and so I haven't been able to turn to her to talk about what I'm feeling. Which means that it's been building and will continue to build until she's back and I can take comfort in her. It's going to be a horribly long week and I can't wait for it to be over. This is the first time we've been apart for an extended period and, while I think this will ultimately be good for our relationship, I already miss her terribly.

My girlfriend is leaving

I am going through a rather stressful time for many reasons that I don't have the time to divulge right now. One of the reasons, however, is my girlfriend is leaving town for a week and a half and will return just in time for me to start my fall semester at university meaning that my free time will be greatly diminished.

I'll try to explain why this sucks so much. First off, I've never been in a serious relationship before because I've only just realized that I'm gay and as such couldn't convince myself to feel seriously for any of the men I dated. And I was always grateful when they left town because it gave me a much wanted break from them. Second, I've never been in love before. Third, we've never gone more than a couple of days without seeing each other let alone a week and a half. Fourth, I hate not being able to see her over the rare two or three day periods when we just can't get together so how I am supposed to manage a week and a half apart. Fifth, she's been sleeping over at least one night of every weekend lately and I find it odd an uncomfortable when we can't spend the night together on weekends and that has nothing to do with sex because we haven't really had sex. Sixth, we spent the night together on Saturday and had a really good conversation, one of those that just makes you fall deeper and makes the relationship feel stronger and more secure.

I'm going to be in a bad mood from the time she leaves until she gets back and it's going to be horrible. I'm sad just thinking about not seeing her for that long. And, having a degree in psychology and being overly analytical of everything I say, do, and feel, I can't help but wonder if we're (read: I) are getting a little too co-dependent and this break might actually be good for us. Good or not, I'm going to miss her like hell.

Love is definitely the most amazing thing I have ever felt, but you know that old cliche about love being a bitch? It's so true. Love is a bitch, but I'm love's bitch.

How life changes

By the time I was twenty-five, I had begun to think that I would never fall in love, that I was one of those people who just never found someone they actually, truly loved. And it sucked. For as long as I can remember, I was in love with love. I thrived on romance and love stories and witnessing small and habitual, but telling touches between two people. It fascinated and thrilled me and I couldn’t wait to become someone who felt it all first hand. But if never happened. I tried; I dated almost any guy who asked me out, whether I felt and immediate attraction to him or not and even guys with whom I found I had very little in common. And I could never make it last more than a few weeks. In fact, the longest relationship I had ever had was approximately two months long. What a stellar track record. And how ironic that the girl who was head over heels in love with love seemed incapable of experiencing love herself. Well, I have good news, that girl is in love and it is amazing and everything she had expected.

When I was a child, I wanted to experience that all encompassing love that’s always told about in books and I devoured romance novel after romance novel. Of course, as I grew older and came to know myself better, I realized that I didn’t want that at all. What I wanted was a relationship and love based upon equality. I wanted someone who would bend over backwards to make me smile and I wanted to be with someone for whom I would do the same. I wanted someone who made me feel safe and happy and beautiful just by smiling at me or holding my hand. But I was never able to find that with any of the men I had dated. In fact, it was quite the opposite, I couldn’t stand to hold their hand or make out with them or even cuddle. And God forbid they want to spend the night together, even if it was just to sleep.

You would really think that I would have come to the obvious conclusion much sooner, but as much as I tend to analyze myself, I failed to pick up on the clues. I am a smart, open-minded, accepting woman, but, boy, can I be oblivious. You see, the reason that I never fell in love with any of the men I dated, or even wanted to hold their hand, was because I simply couldn’t fall in love with a man, they aren’t what I want. I did, however, fall in love with a woman. It’s an amazing feeling, the rush I get just by being with her and holding her hand while we watch a movie or sit in a bar with our friends. She’s amazing and funny and pretty and thoughtful and kind and everything I’ve ever wanted, but never expected to want.

Realizing that I am gay was a huge surprise to me. I went through a kind of cycle during which I was okay with being into girls, it didn’t bother me, gay rights had always been important to me and the next few days I couldn’t even consider the possibility without crying and just falling apart. I talked to my friends about it and they assured me that I was gay and they’d be there for me when I was ready to accept and admit it. My brother teased me, but reassured me that it was okay and he’d be there when I was ready to admit it. But I still couldn’t believe that I had failed to acknowledge such an integrate part of myself or, for that matter, suspect that it even existed. I had simply had no clue.

Now, that was all over a year ago. I still have days when I cry over the fact that I’m gay. All of my friends completely accept my lifestyle, my brother couldn’t care less and I’ve recently told my parents. My dad told me that he wasn’t surprised, that there had been hints for years, and he hugged me and told me that he only wanted me to be happy; my mom’s reaction wasn’t quite as amazing, but definitely more expected: she’s been upset and has barely spoken to me since I told them. Which certainly doesn’t make things easy for me. What does make things easier is my girlfriend. She’s amazing, such a great support to me and I love her. I haven’t told her that, yet, we’ve only been together for four months, but it’s on the tip of my tongue everytime I’m with her, especially when we’re doing something simple, like taking a late night walk and joking around, sneaking kisses and touching hands or when I see her joking around with my friends or my brother.

Things have certainly changed a lot in the last year and my life may never be as easy as it could have been if I had met Mr. Right instead of Ms. Right, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I would never change anything in my life in case it should change that.