Coming out to the parents

I have been in such a funk lately, deeply depressed and fighting it every second. Depression isn't new to me, I've suffered through it before, some days feeling it so deeply that I simply lay in bed and cry all day. This time feels different, though, and with the beginning of a new semester looming, I worry how it will affect my school year and how I'll get myself out of it.

This time, the main cause of my hard times is my mother. As I mentioned in my last post, I've been going through some rather stressful times lately the most stressful of which was telling my parents that I'm dating a woman. My dad wasn't at all surprised and is being so supportive, to the point that he said, minutes after I told them about my girlfriend, that he didn't want another son anyway. And he asks about my girlfriend when we talk on the phone. My mother's reaction was more expected and not nearly as supportive.

Don't get me wrong, she wasn't bad about it. She didn't say anything and cried quite a bit, but she gave me a hug and told me she loved me. However, when they left two days later, my mother didn't want to hug me like she usually does and seemed to only do it because I leaned in for it. She kept it short and quickly moved on to my brother.

It's been a touch more than two weeks since I told them and I talked to my dad three nights ago, he put me on speakerphone while I talked him through my university's website and I could hear my mother reiterating what I was saying because he couldn't hear me, but she didn't say a single word to me. Everytime my dad calls me, my mother asks to talk to me. The next night my dad called again and, again, my mother didn't ask to talk to me.

My mother is making it quite clear that she's upset with me and, though we've never had a good relationship, it hurts so badly to be ignored because of this. It helps that my dad is so amazing and couldn't care less and thinks to ask about my girlfriend when he calls. But I can't get over the pain of my mother's rejection.

I've been so horribly depressed for the last couple of weeks, but my girlfriend and friends have definitely helped with their supportiveness. But my girlfriend has been out of town since Friday morning and so I haven't been able to turn to her to talk about what I'm feeling. Which means that it's been building and will continue to build until she's back and I can take comfort in her. It's going to be a horribly long week and I can't wait for it to be over. This is the first time we've been apart for an extended period and, while I think this will ultimately be good for our relationship, I already miss her terribly.

My girlfriend is leaving

I am going through a rather stressful time for many reasons that I don't have the time to divulge right now. One of the reasons, however, is my girlfriend is leaving town for a week and a half and will return just in time for me to start my fall semester at university meaning that my free time will be greatly diminished.

I'll try to explain why this sucks so much. First off, I've never been in a serious relationship before because I've only just realized that I'm gay and as such couldn't convince myself to feel seriously for any of the men I dated. And I was always grateful when they left town because it gave me a much wanted break from them. Second, I've never been in love before. Third, we've never gone more than a couple of days without seeing each other let alone a week and a half. Fourth, I hate not being able to see her over the rare two or three day periods when we just can't get together so how I am supposed to manage a week and a half apart. Fifth, she's been sleeping over at least one night of every weekend lately and I find it odd an uncomfortable when we can't spend the night together on weekends and that has nothing to do with sex because we haven't really had sex. Sixth, we spent the night together on Saturday and had a really good conversation, one of those that just makes you fall deeper and makes the relationship feel stronger and more secure.

I'm going to be in a bad mood from the time she leaves until she gets back and it's going to be horrible. I'm sad just thinking about not seeing her for that long. And, having a degree in psychology and being overly analytical of everything I say, do, and feel, I can't help but wonder if we're (read: I) are getting a little too co-dependent and this break might actually be good for us. Good or not, I'm going to miss her like hell.

Love is definitely the most amazing thing I have ever felt, but you know that old cliche about love being a bitch? It's so true. Love is a bitch, but I'm love's bitch.

How life changes

By the time I was twenty-five, I had begun to think that I would never fall in love, that I was one of those people who just never found someone they actually, truly loved. And it sucked. For as long as I can remember, I was in love with love. I thrived on romance and love stories and witnessing small and habitual, but telling touches between two people. It fascinated and thrilled me and I couldn’t wait to become someone who felt it all first hand. But if never happened. I tried; I dated almost any guy who asked me out, whether I felt and immediate attraction to him or not and even guys with whom I found I had very little in common. And I could never make it last more than a few weeks. In fact, the longest relationship I had ever had was approximately two months long. What a stellar track record. And how ironic that the girl who was head over heels in love with love seemed incapable of experiencing love herself. Well, I have good news, that girl is in love and it is amazing and everything she had expected.

When I was a child, I wanted to experience that all encompassing love that’s always told about in books and I devoured romance novel after romance novel. Of course, as I grew older and came to know myself better, I realized that I didn’t want that at all. What I wanted was a relationship and love based upon equality. I wanted someone who would bend over backwards to make me smile and I wanted to be with someone for whom I would do the same. I wanted someone who made me feel safe and happy and beautiful just by smiling at me or holding my hand. But I was never able to find that with any of the men I had dated. In fact, it was quite the opposite, I couldn’t stand to hold their hand or make out with them or even cuddle. And God forbid they want to spend the night together, even if it was just to sleep.

You would really think that I would have come to the obvious conclusion much sooner, but as much as I tend to analyze myself, I failed to pick up on the clues. I am a smart, open-minded, accepting woman, but, boy, can I be oblivious. You see, the reason that I never fell in love with any of the men I dated, or even wanted to hold their hand, was because I simply couldn’t fall in love with a man, they aren’t what I want. I did, however, fall in love with a woman. It’s an amazing feeling, the rush I get just by being with her and holding her hand while we watch a movie or sit in a bar with our friends. She’s amazing and funny and pretty and thoughtful and kind and everything I’ve ever wanted, but never expected to want.

Realizing that I am gay was a huge surprise to me. I went through a kind of cycle during which I was okay with being into girls, it didn’t bother me, gay rights had always been important to me and the next few days I couldn’t even consider the possibility without crying and just falling apart. I talked to my friends about it and they assured me that I was gay and they’d be there for me when I was ready to accept and admit it. My brother teased me, but reassured me that it was okay and he’d be there when I was ready to admit it. But I still couldn’t believe that I had failed to acknowledge such an integrate part of myself or, for that matter, suspect that it even existed. I had simply had no clue.

Now, that was all over a year ago. I still have days when I cry over the fact that I’m gay. All of my friends completely accept my lifestyle, my brother couldn’t care less and I’ve recently told my parents. My dad told me that he wasn’t surprised, that there had been hints for years, and he hugged me and told me that he only wanted me to be happy; my mom’s reaction wasn’t quite as amazing, but definitely more expected: she’s been upset and has barely spoken to me since I told them. Which certainly doesn’t make things easy for me. What does make things easier is my girlfriend. She’s amazing, such a great support to me and I love her. I haven’t told her that, yet, we’ve only been together for four months, but it’s on the tip of my tongue everytime I’m with her, especially when we’re doing something simple, like taking a late night walk and joking around, sneaking kisses and touching hands or when I see her joking around with my friends or my brother.

Things have certainly changed a lot in the last year and my life may never be as easy as it could have been if I had met Mr. Right instead of Ms. Right, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I would never change anything in my life in case it should change that.