It's amazing what you can learn when you're honest with yourself

I'm going through one of my darker moments tonight. It took me completely by surprise since I had a wonderful day, spent the afternoon with that girl I'm crazy about, went to an actual haunted house that was decorated as Halloween haunted house. It was a fun day until about an hour ago.

For the last few years, I have these moments where I start off feeling depressed and that turns into either anger or numbness both of which result in restlessness and I just need to do something but nothing I do eases the restlessness. And that feeling of impotence, I guess, not being able to do what I need to do, leads back to depression. It's all just a horrible cycle.

Tonight is one of those nights. But tonight, when I got to feeling restlessness, I went for a walk. It was after dark, I walked through the sketchy area of downtown, cut through some alleys, basically put myself in some potentially dangerous - but not too dangerous - situations. And I didn't feel anything, no fear, just 'who gives a fuck' numbness. As I was doing this, my mind couldn't help but wander to the possible dangers, like being attacked, being rape, being harassed. And I was slightly stunned to realize that I would almost welcome a dangerous situation because it would make me feel alive; it would give me a rush.

I spent the last hour walking around trying to think of something that would cure this deep feeling of restlessness and the only things I could think of where life endangering. And, because I'm big on finding the bigger meaning behind things, I focused on that longing for a rush, something that would wake me up and make me feel alive.

I'm pursuing a degree in addictions counselling, so right now, my life is all about addictions. I long ago accepted that I have an addictive personality, by which I mean that I could easily become addicted to tobacco or alcohol if I wasn't careful and didn't monitor myself. But I never once thought that I would ever take a chance with any of the more 'hardcore' drugs. And I still don't think I will. But tonight I realized that I am one experiment away from having a dangerous addiction. On nights like tonight, I know that the initial rush of drug-use would draw me into her loving arms and fight like a bitch to keep me there and I would willingly return again and again.

Luckily for me, I don't know any drug users, so I don't have easy access to drugs nor do I know anyone who would introduce me to drugs. While my willpower is strong, I think my need to feel is stronger and it would only be a matter of time before I gave in.

And realizing that, I started to brainstorm other ways to feel a rush, to get my adrenaline up, something legal. Something amazing. Something that has the potential to put my life in danger but that wouldn't destroy my life or myself, unlike drugs. I came up with mountain biking, snowboarding/skiing, racecar driving (a little unrealistic), riding a motorbike, skydiving, and base jumping. I think the most realistic and satisfying would be mountain biking and snowboarding/skiing. Of course, that's where it starts and then you need a bigger thrill, something new and exciting and more dangerous. But I need to try something before I do something stupid.

Any suggestions?