By the time I was twenty-five, I had begun to think that I would never fall in love, that I was one of those people who just never found someone they actually, truly loved. And it sucked. For as long as I can remember, I was in love with love. I thrived on romance and love stories and witnessing small and habitual, but telling touches between two people. It fascinated and thrilled me and I couldn’t wait to become someone who felt it all first hand. But if never happened. I tried; I dated almost any guy who asked me out, whether I felt and immediate attraction to him or not and even guys with whom I found I had very little in common. And I could never make it last more than a few weeks. In fact, the longest relationship I had ever had was approximately two months long. What a stellar track record. And how ironic that the girl who was head over heels in love with love seemed incapable of experiencing love herself. Well, I have good news, that girl is in love and it is amazing and everything she had expected.
When I was a child, I wanted to experience that all encompassing love that’s always told about in books and I devoured romance novel after romance novel. Of course, as I grew older and came to know myself better, I realized that I didn’t want that at all. What I wanted was a relationship and love based upon equality. I wanted someone who would bend over backwards to make me smile and I wanted to be with someone for whom I would do the same. I wanted someone who made me feel safe and happy and beautiful just by smiling at me or holding my hand. But I was never able to find that with any of the men I had dated. In fact, it was quite the opposite, I couldn’t stand to hold their hand or make out with them or even cuddle. And God forbid they want to spend the night together, even if it was just to sleep.
You would really think that I would have come to the obvious conclusion much sooner, but as much as I tend to analyze myself, I failed to pick up on the clues. I am a smart, open-minded, accepting woman, but, boy, can I be oblivious. You see, the reason that I never fell in love with any of the men I dated, or even wanted to hold their hand, was because I simply couldn’t fall in love with a man, they aren’t what I want. I did, however, fall in love with a woman. It’s an amazing feeling, the rush I get just by being with her and holding her hand while we watch a movie or sit in a bar with our friends. She’s amazing and funny and pretty and thoughtful and kind and everything I’ve ever wanted, but never expected to want.
Realizing that I am gay was a huge surprise to me. I went through a kind of cycle during which I was okay with being into girls, it didn’t bother me, gay rights had always been important to me and the next few days I couldn’t even consider the possibility without crying and just falling apart. I talked to my friends about it and they assured me that I was gay and they’d be there for me when I was ready to accept and admit it. My brother teased me, but reassured me that it was okay and he’d be there when I was ready to admit it. But I still couldn’t believe that I had failed to acknowledge such an integrate part of myself or, for that matter, suspect that it even existed. I had simply had no clue.
Now, that was all over a year ago. I still have days when I cry over the fact that I’m gay. All of my friends completely accept my lifestyle, my brother couldn’t care less and I’ve recently told my parents. My dad told me that he wasn’t surprised, that there had been hints for years, and he hugged me and told me that he only wanted me to be happy; my mom’s reaction wasn’t quite as amazing, but definitely more expected: she’s been upset and has barely spoken to me since I told them. Which certainly doesn’t make things easy for me. What does make things easier is my girlfriend. She’s amazing, such a great support to me and I love her. I haven’t told her that, yet, we’ve only been together for four months, but it’s on the tip of my tongue everytime I’m with her, especially when we’re doing something simple, like taking a late night walk and joking around, sneaking kisses and touching hands or when I see her joking around with my friends or my brother.
Things have certainly changed a lot in the last year and my life may never be as easy as it could have been if I had met Mr. Right instead of Ms. Right, but I’m happier than I’ve ever been and I would never change anything in my life in case it should change that.
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