Yes, I'm a HOMO

I stole the title for this post from the blog Sweat City which, until recently, was written by model Jessica Clark and her fiance Lacey Stone. I've decided that when I officially come out - after I've told my family and closest friends - that I'm going to put 'Yes, I'm a HOMO' as my status on facebook. Just for the fun of it. And for the reactions, of course. It should be fun.

Anyway, since I've started blogging a bit on my own, I've also started reading other people's blogs, mostly lesbians. Sweat City is pretty good and the namesake of this post can be found here. Another good one is For The Roses, which I just started reading today, but quite enjoy so far.

Obsession of the week

Well, aside from hot girls. Anyway, my obsession  these days is John Legend's song Everybody Knows. It's fantastic; I can't stop listening to this song.

The Soloist

I went with a friend to see The Soloist last night. It is a fantastic movie and definitely worth seeing. The acting is amazing and the writing marvelous. It is a truly powerful movie.

What the heart wants

Wouldn't it be nice if love was a matter of choice? Don't you think it would be awesome if you could have just a little say in who you fell in love with? If you think you do, you're an idiot. Yeah, we decide how we act on our feelings, but let's be honest with ourselves, we are ALL love's bitch. You can try to deny it, but I won't believe you.

I'm well aware that I'm love's bitch and I accept it. If I didn't, I'd be a little insane at this point. See, my treacherous heart has decided to become enamored with a girl I work with. I refer to her as a girl because she is ten years younger than me. Ack!! Well, technically she's a little less than ten years younger since she'll be seventeen this year. But still, she's jailbait. And I'm nuts over her.

Aside from the whole age issue, I definitely have good taste. She's funny, smart, active, sweet, thoughtful, kind, intellectual, and beautiful. She is one of the best and sweetest people I have ever met. And I can't stop myself from looking forward to the guaranteed one shift a week that I work with her. The fact that we have a lot in common (ie. similar sense of humour, taste in music, movies, and literature) and have an easy time conversing really doesn't help me out.

The one saving grace is that, while I feel like a creeper, no one else things I'm a creeper because no one at work actually knows that I'm gay. So, though they all know I think very highly of the girl, they don't know that I'm unbearably attracted to her and that the mere idea of working with her and being able to make her smile brightens my day.

The irony of the whole situation: I've never been in love and the first person that I actually start to fall for - illegal! Man, oh man.

I think I messed up

So, I've been hanging out with this girl, we'll call her M, over the last month or so as we get along amazingly, we have so much in common it's a constant surprise to me. At first, I wasn't really interested in anything more than friendship, but the more I hang out with her, the more she reels me in. So, it was a kind of friend's birthday on the weekend and that same night, I had plans to go to a play with M. Since the bar my friend's birthday bash was at was really close to where the play was showing and because I wanted to spend some more time with her, I invited M to join us and she did. Fun was had. We went to the play and then called it an early night because I have finals to study for.

But one of my friends, we'll call her K, sent me a text message saying she was going to the bar for our friend's birthday and wondered if I was coming. Since I had been bugging this friend early that day that we'd never had a drink together, I couldn't say I wasn't going to come out. So I texted M and invited her back to the bar. She joined us again. Yay!

So K and I work together and we have a great time together, always joking around and teasing each other. And we can be pretty hands on sometimes, you know, hugs, arm around the shoulders, just goofing around. Apparently more so when we're drinking. Now, I can be a very touchy friend, just little touches on the back/shoulder/arm. But only once I'm comfortable with a person and sure that they won't mind. I've only known M for a couple of months and things are definitely on a different level, so I have been careful not to be too hands on so far. Meaning, she doesn't know that I'm normally like that.

So, we're all at the bar and having a good time. I introduce M around, no one knows she's gay and no one knows that I think I am. So they guys are talking to M and I'm thinking 'ah, you poor bastards' and I'm just having a good time and joking with my friends. K is hugging me quite a bit and touching and I'm not really thinking anything of it. Some of the guys are hugging me a bit too, no big deal. At one point, K hugs me so enthusiastically that I lose my balance and nearly spill my drink.

I'm trying to hang around M because even though she fits right in and seems to be having a great time, she's never met these people before and is there because I invited her. But I did spend a fair bit of time talking to the girls while she was talking with the guys.

The part where I think I messed up is that now, with a clear head, I'm wondering if I gave her the impression that I'm into K. Which I'm not, we're friends and K is straight (supposedly) and I'm not interested in her. Or any of the guys that were there. And I feel guilty and horrible because how bad would it be to invite someone out and then make it clear - in their mind at any rate - that you were into someone else?

Why are things so complicated? I really hope it's just my over-thinking that's making it so complicated. And I did leave with her. All the other girls, including K, left before us and we left together. That's got to show for something.

Ugh, we'll see how things go.

Oh, and I have a rescheduled breakfast date with that guy I met in a coffeeshop since last week didn't work out and I still don't want to go, but feel like I really should. I really miss that days when life was simpler and I just had to listen to what my parents told me.

Sway

A little something I wrote while putting off studying for finals.

Sway

I felt like the air had been sucked from my body, leaving me unable to breath.

“What,” I gasped.

Madison, on the other hand, had no trouble breathing as she drew in a deep breath, her gaze fixed on me. “I’m sorry, Ceili.”

My mind had fixated on one thought and it ran in a loop: she can’t be breaking up with me. But it seemed that she was, in fact, ending things and I was clueless as to why.

I couldn’t bear to look at her any longer and tore my gaze from hers, my eyes flitting around the room, searching for some source of comfort. “I, uh, I don’t understand. I mean, things were – are great, we haven’t been fighting, haven’t had problems. Where is this coming from? Why are you doing this?”

I didn’t say to me but she flinched anyway and I felt a small victory in making her show some sort of feeling.

Her hands fidgeted in her lap and I wondered if she was fighting an urge to reach out to me, to touch me in some way. One of the things I’ve loved about her from the start is that she’s very hands on with the people she cares about, she’s always touching people, just little moments of contact: a hand on my arm, a gentle tug on the tips of my hair, a hand lightly smoothing down my back. It’s natural for her to touch another and I wonder how much it’s costing her to not reach out and offer me that comfort… give me that hope.

“We have been having problems, you just haven’t seen them and that’s part of the problem. You don’t see me anymore, Ceili, you haven’t for months.”

“I’m sorry, I’ve been so busy with –“

“Work,” she finishes with a touch of fire. “You’re always so busy with work that it’s become your life and there’s no place for me.”

I shift to face her on the couch and reach out to grasp her hands. Taken by surprise, she looks down at our hands clasped in her lap and I see her resolve falter. “There is a place for you, always. You know that, Maddy. You have the main place in my life.”

She untangles her hands from mine, but before she can push my hands from her leg, I feel a drop on my skin and realize that she is struggling not to cry. I hate myself just a bit for making this harder for her even though I really don’t want it to be easy. She would’ve known when she decided to break up with me that I would never let her go without a fight. Whether we’ve been having problems or not, Madison knows how much she means to me; there’s no way she couldn’t.

She’s shaking her head when I turn my attention back to her. “You think that’s true, C, but it hasn’t been for a long time now.” She’s looking at me now and, for the first time, I see the pain and sadness in her eyes. “Do you know, the other day I tried to remember the last time you even asked me how my day was and I couldn’t remember.”

“Oh, come on, Maddy, that’s nothing to get so upset about. If it were something bigger, I could understand you being mad, but that’s so small.”

She nods. “You’re right, it is small. And you do all the big things; you hug me when I’m upset and you hold my hand when we’re walking down the street and you kiss me before bed. But it’s all mechanical, it’s habit, not something you think about.”

“So what? There’s nothing wrong with doing something out of habit. I’ve been doing those things for years, of course I’m not going to stop doing them.”

“There’s nothing wrong with those habits, but they aren’t what counts.”

I feel my frustration boiling inside of me and I want to get up and walk away from this conversation, but I know if I do that, it would probably be the last conversation we have.

“They do count,” I argue. “Kissing you and holding you and being with you count, it all counts.”

“And they’re all things I would expect from someone I’d been with for a couple of weeks, but I want more from you, Ceili,” she returns heatedly. “You used to ask me about my day and leave me little notes in the morning when you were up before me and call me on your lunch break everyday just to talk about nothing. You used to leave a bag of my favorite candies in my bag so I’d find them when I wanted something sweet.”

“Madison –“

“Do you know the last time I had one of those candies” she demanded and I slowly shook my head because I couldn’t remember the last time I had done that for her. “It’s been almost a year, Ceili. I wouldn’t buy them myself because I kept hoping that I’d find some from you in my bag.”

“I’m sorry, Maddy. I didn’t think about it,” I admitted, feeling unreasonably upset that I hadn’t thought to buy her sweets or ask about her day.

“That’s the point.” Her voice was ragged, jerking my gaze to her face and I was shocked to find her cheeks wet with tears. “That’s the point, C, you don’t think about me anymore.”

“Madison,” I started sadly, reaching out for her. But this time she drew back, away from my outstretched hand. “Please, honey.”

She was shaking her head. “You think the little things don’t make a difference, but they’re the most important. I used to smile ever time I found those candies in my bag because I knew you had been at work or out with friends and you had been thinking of me. Those little things that you don’t think are important showed me that even when we weren’t together, you were thinking of me. And that made me feel so special and loved.”

“I love you, Maddy,” I tell her softly, knowing it’s too little and too long needed.

She sobs but still doesn’t turn to me for comfort. “You love me, but because it’s what you’re used to, it’s habit. You’re not in love with me anymore.”

I want to argue, but I can’t. So I silently watch as she wipes at her nose and brushes the tears from her cheeks. And I don’t reach for her when she rises from the couch and collects her jacket and her bag. I don’t do or say anything until she’s standing at the door with her hand on the handle.

“Please, Maddy, don’t leave me.”

I hear her sob and see it shake her body, but she doesn’t turn back and she doesn’t look at me. She leans her head against the wall beside the door. “I don’t want to leave, but I can’t stay. I am so in love with you that I almost don’t care that you don’t love me the same, but if I stay knowing that you never will feel the same, it will kill me.”

The door creaks as it opens.

“Madison,” the word stuck in my throat and I’m sure she didn’t hear.

“Goodbye, C.”

The door closes gently behind her and she’s gone, leaving our home feeling empty and dark without her.

Date

So, that guy I met in the coffee shop? Well, I'm going out with him this week. We're supposed to meet for breakfast at the same coffee shop tomorrow, but I have a final on Thursday that I'm no where near ready for, so I'm going to have to reschedule breakfast to post-final.

I don't really want to go on the date, but I feel like I owe it to my friends to give hetero-dating one more shot before I call it quits. But, seriously, I'm not even attracted to the guy. And, so far, he's everything I would want in a partner: smart, bilingual, successful, musician, educated, active, loves travelling. But he just doesn't do it for me. Still, I'll go out with him and give it a try. Besides, life would be so much easier if I could just find a man that I could be happy with, I just don't see that happening any time soon. Especially since I'm falling deeper for that girl at work.

And tonight I'm going to a play with a gay girl I've been talking to and hanging out with quite a bit for about a month now. I'm in love with her personality.

Sunshine Cleaning

Just saw this movie on the weekend and it's stellar. Definitely a must see.

Oh the difficulties

Apparently being gay is a huge turn on for people of the opposite sex. Maybe it's the confidence that comes from coming to terms with my in-the-gray sexual orientation that attracts people. I have been given phone numbers by two men in the last month and I think one other is interested and working up the nerve to do something. Of course, none of them know that I'm not loving the penis. Apparently I have to redo the cockhater stamp on my forehead.

I know, I know. Here I am complaining about having men come onto me when so many people would love for that to happen. Trust me, it's just as bad getting what you're not asking for as it is not getting what you are asking for. I kind of wish that I could announce to the world that I just want to be left alone until I have this thing figured out. Of course, dating a woman would definitely help to figure it out.... and could be kind of fun, especially for the shock value when I tell my friends. Oh, fun!

Argh!

Don't you just hate that you can't control your feelings? I mean, you can control how you act, but you can never control how you feel. And that's been driving me absolutely nuts for the last couple of months. See, there's this girl at work and she's funny and smart and absolutely beautiful and we get along so well. She's also considerably younger than me and straight... with a boyfriend. I am nuts for this girl, like, seriously, just throw me in a straight jacket and ship me off.

Yeah, yeah, love is supposed to wonderful and amazing and age is only a number. Well, that's bullshit. I kind of hate that I'm crazy for her, except I don't because it feels so good. And I am a flirt, I'm sure if any of the people that I work with knew that I was into girls, they'd all know, on sight, that I'm into her.

I'm one of those people who flirts subconsciously. So subconsciously that I have no idea that I'm doing until someone points it out to me or the person I'm flirting with gives me a weird look. And apparently I'm not entirely aware of what others constitute as flirting since, about a month ago, a guy asked me out because he assumed my friendly, casual conversation was flirting. Somehow, how's it going translates to I want your phone number so we can have wild, no strings sex this weekend. I have no idea how that happened.

So anyway, this girl is just great and I find myself going out of my way to do things for her and joke with her and touch her and just... argh! I'm even teaching her how to drive a standard. She doesn't own a car let alone a standard! She will have no use for this skill in the near future! And yet I offered up my car and my Friday nights after work to teach her. And tonight I've talked her into coming to a house party that a girl we work with is hosting. I don't know what I'm doing. I could just as easily have asked the girl I think is actually into me and who I know is gay, but no, I'm obsessed with this too young girl from work.

I need help. Maybe shock treatment will work.

Finals

I hate tests. 

That's all.

Because it made me laugh a bit

"In passing, also, I would like to say that the first time Adam had a chance he laid the blame on a woman." 
—Nancy Astor 
(British Politician)

What's going on

So here's my thing. I'm 26, I have been dating for almost ten years and I've always dated men. Granted, the relationships never lasted very long, the longest just barely making the two month mark and I was never invested in the relationship, but I always assumed that I was with the wrong guy and eventually the right one would come along and I'd actually care about the relationship. That hasn't happened. Instead, my brother caused me to start questioning my sexual orientation. He did this simply by teasing me about being a woman studying forestry. Clearly, I'm a lesbian.

If only it was that simple.

I don't know if I'm gay, but I do know that I'm not straight. My sexuality remains somewhere in the grey areas, at least for now. I have no idea if it's just a transitional phase or if I'm bisexual to a degree. What I do know is that I am attracted to women, find men attractive, but have no desire to have sex with men. I haven't yet dated a woman nor have I had sex with one, so I don't know if I'll actually enjoy being with a woman, but I really think I will, aside from all that fun judgement and discrimination from society. But I live in Canada, so it won't be all that bad.

I've met a girl. We met online and we've since hung out a couple of times. She's gay, but not out. I have no idea where that's leading. We have a great time together and we have so much in common it's always a little surprising. But I don't really feel a physical attraction to her. Which might be mostly to do with me, since I've put on weight and don't feel terribly attractive at the moment and so don't expect others to find me attractive and, therefore, subconsciously suppress any attraction I feel towards others.

And, yes, I do have a degree in psychology. I analyse, deal with it.